Confidence and Perspective

"I will NEVER teach again!!!" Never say never, my friends. That was the phrase that I swore to myself when I left education about seven years ago. You see, I had been teaching high school for several years. And I was burned out. Like totes burned out. And I couldn't wait to get out and find a "real" job. I had been searching for years, to no avail. Every test I took told me that I should be in sales, but I had NO desire to do that. I applied for several jobs, had some interviews, and came close a few times to getting another job, but it never came to fruition. Until one day, a friend of mine who was in the insurance biz, invited me along on a trip that he had won to San Francisco. I went, and had a great time. And was exposed to just how much dough those insurance folks can make. I thought I knew, but I really didn't- some of those people were loaded! I thought "I can do this!!" So I took some tests, quit my teaching job, and became a self-employed insurance agent, selling policies for a MAJOR company.


Here's where the "confidence" comes in. The only grown-up job I had ever worked was in education, so this was a whole new world to me. Alec Baldwin's words rang in my ear constantly- "Always Be Closing!" "Coffee is for closers!"

So I trained, and went out to close the deal. All I had to do was convince business owners to let me sell policies to their employees- easy, right? I mean, who wouldn't want that for their employees? But I quickly discovered it wasn't that easy. At all. Nobody trusts an insurance guy, and business owners did not want to talk to me. Some of them were downright mean. (Unfortunately, one of the worst experiences I had was at a local Christian college- but that's another story.) I kept plugging away, but each day my confidence in my ability to do the job, and my confidence in myself, slowly eroded. I became moody and irritable. I would pull up in front of businesses and literally become paralyzed with fear- I wouldn't even get out of my car. I would just drive away. Every once in a while I would have a little success- enough to delude me that I should keep trying. You see, the bottom line was- I was no good at this. I just didn't have the stomach for it. I think it's natural for some folks, but for me, it was not. And it was so frustrating. I worked with people who made it look so easy- they would go out, open new accounts with ease, and make tons of cash. While I continued to wither away. Finally, after five years of shame and embarrassment, I allowed myself to think what was previously the unthinkable. "Maybe I should go back to teaching...."

So I did. The school I was at previously had an English position available, and I went back. And you know what boys and girls? It ain't so bad! Here's where the "perspective" part comes in. Now that I've tried to make it in the "real world", the stuff that would really frustrate me at school doesn't bother me much anymore. It feels safe and comfortable. And most of all- I think I'm pretty good at it. Now don't get me wrong- there's no Movie of the Week based on me, and Morgan Freeman will not play me in a film. But I feel somewhat confident about my skills in a classroom. And it feels good. I haven't felt good about myself in a long time. My five years in a dog-eat-dog job was probably the most humbling experience of my life. And to be honest, I don't know if I've fully recovered. There are still days when I don't feel too good about myself, or confident in my abilities. But I think I'm slowly getting back to me. And I like that.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Oh boo-hoo- would you like some cheese with your wine??" Yes, I have been on a pretty big pity party for a while. I have a really good life. Wonderful wife, fabulous kids, and food, shelter, and clothing. I've got everything I need. So if it sounds like I'm whining a bit, it's because I am. But shouldn't we be allowed to every once in a while?? Besides- cheese really goes well with wine. So the next time I start to get down on myself, I'll just pour myself another glass of Pinot Noir, and really focus on all of the wonderful things in my life. And who knows? Maybe Paul Giamatti will play me in the major motion picture "Mr. Bartley's Opus".

Here's Scotty!!!!

Well- I'm back. Over the last several years I have grown weary of responding to the copious amounts of requests from my adoring fans- "When are you going to write again??" They would look at me, pleading, tears forming in their eyes- it was sad. So I'm giving in, and bringing joy to the masses once more. You can thank me later.

Why was I gone? Several reasons. First and foremost- I was going through a pretty rough patch professionally, and it eventually took a toll on my fragile ego. In fact, it almost eradicated any confidence that I had in myself. So writing about pointless things that were ensconced in snark didn't really seem all that important to me.

Why am I back? I'm not real sure, to be honest. I am in a better place- I'm back to teaching high school, and so far this time around, I seem to be enjoying it. (I think what I really love about it is that I can go back to bathing in a tub filled with hundred dollah bills from all the fat cheddar that I make teaching the public kiddies.) I think what has really inspired me, though, is I am feeling an incredible itch to be creative. I usually feel best about myself when I am scratching that itch. Usually it's fulfilled through my theatrical endeavors, but as I write this there are really no acting plans on the horizon. So I figured I could start writing again.

Over the last 6 months I've had a real strong desire to write something. I want to write a play. A movie. A book. Something. But an epic battle rages inside me- the side that wants to do all of those things, and the side that is a massive, fat, lazy lard, that just wants to sit and do nothing. I am fighting you lard. I really am. I figure by writing this I at least get something going, and who knows- maybe it will lead to something?

The other reason I do this- jealousy. The green-eyed goddess of envy. Every day I am bombarded by bloggers and blowhards who have gained some sort of fame and notoriety by pumping out garbage to the masses. And I always think- "I can pump out garbage too. Bigger and more better!!" Some yahoo puts a video of himself talking like Batman to his kids, or doing a wacky lip-sync in the car with his daughters, and he becomes a "viral sensation". I want to be a viral sensation. Is that wrong? Does that make me shallow and vapid? If so, I will wear my vapidness like a big crown of chocolate on my head. And then I will eat it.

Sorry this post is somewhat rambling. I have a lot of stuff banging to escape from my old noggin, and I'm just trying to let it flow. I promise, if you stick with me, future posts will be more coherent. And more entertaining. After all- how can I get my own reality show with this kind of garbled mess? Take my hand, and journey forth with me. Please??? (Is that too needy?)